It’s Offspring the First’s birthday. Our not-so-little man is eight years old. Not that he cares much; all he knows is that he got a big fat chocolate cake. He was quite happy to share said cake with his friends, which bodes well, given our current marathon in chasing the stork. Perhaps he won’t mind having a little … yeah, I can’t even finish that sentence without laughing out loud.
I cannot take credit for making the cake. You see my incapability of popping a bun in the oven extends to all areas of my life. I once attempted to bake a Light Fluffy Sponge Cake; by the time it was finished it wasn’t light, it wasn’t fluffy and I’m not quite sure it was cake. The award for this psychedelic looking creation goes to my dear darling niece, who is also hoping for a little bun in her own oven soon, so wishing her all the luck.
When I first started writing this blog I referred to Offspring the First as Child No. 1, but I decided that that moniker belongs in the Land of No Imagination, which is currently overcrowded due to the explosion of the book that shall not be named.
I’ve already mentioned my extreme laziness. I’m sure I could win an award in any extreme laziness competition. The idea never really took off because nobody could be bothered to participate. But, I digress, my can’t-be-aresedness means that I have been trying to create a shortened version of Offspring the First, but so far I have vetoed all my own suggestions.
Ot1 – REJECTED because
a) It sounds like a science experiment and given the sheer number of medical tests and exams he has had in his little life, saddling him with a scientific sounding nickname is just asking for trouble.
b) Sounds like R2D2’s little brother. He is non-verbal so his communications consist mostly of incoherent babbling, couple that to his being permanently attached to his favourite toy, a Vtech Laptop, with those annoying blips and bleeps and we are just a hop, skip and a leap away from calling him our little robot.
OS1 – REJECTED because it makes him sound like an iPhone operating system and for some reason I can hear the words “an app short of an android” in my ears.
Ov.1 – REJECTED because it makes him sound like the Beta version* before we fixed all the bugs. Oooh listen to me being all technical. No, I haven’t swallowed Computers for Dummies, I learned the whole Beta thing off The Big Bang Theory. See, who said that TV was dumb? I’m getting all edjukated and wotnot.
So, I’ll just stick to Offspring the First and employ that handy copy/paste feature. After all if E L James can do it….
Thank goodness I’ll have nine months notice to pick a name when the time comes. Looks like I’ll need it!
*I wasn’t sure whether he would be classified as the Alpha or the Beta version, but he has been tested by so many people who were not actively involved in his development which definitely qualifies him as the Beta. But, as far as I’m concerned, like Penny, I should get credit just for knowing “Beta version.”