I’ve been working on a blog post featuring my dearly beloved, but I hit the pause button because it would be a bit heartless to mock the sick.
Yes my big brave soldier has a Man Cold. For those of you unfamiliar with the Man Cold here are a few telltale symptoms.
1. All It Takes Is A Sneeze
There’s no fever, no aches or pains and there might be some coughing (which may be exaggerated for effect), but to anyone in possession of the Y chromosome, that one simple aaachooo might as well be Ebola Virus or Dengue Fever.
2. Medicine Explosion
The single almost-expired medicine bottle with just two pills left in it has magically multiplied and the entire house has been invaded by every cold remedy known to man, even those that are still in the drug trial stages.
3. Don’t Touch Me
Nobody may approach the victim of the Man Cold except a willing (read: suffering) female to provide tea and biscuits and the occasional “aww, poor you.” This is the most important symptom and being aware of it will avoid having the bearer of this debilitating disease from having to say “but I can’t feed/bathe/dress the kids … I’m sick.” In fact, it might be advisable to provide Hazmat suits for all the little people in the house.
4. I Need A Doctor
If not treated immediately with plenty of rest, relaxation, children’s cartoons and ice cream, the Man Cold can be near-fatal. Death is uncommon, but expect the recovery period to take a minimum of two weeks.
The victim will insist on seeing the doctor just in case Man Cold develops into Man Flu, which is so much worse than the Cold. Man Flu requires a giant screen TV with HD, chocolate biscuits, large tubs of ice cream and tummy rubs. It is also important to ask “how are you feeling?” at least once every 15 minutes so that Man Flu sufferer can provide a complete run down of his sniffles, coughs, wheezes and the opportunity to provide green snot tissues as evidence.
5. I Want My Mummy
The Man Cold will cause big brave men to revert to whiny little boys. All their whims must be met promptly and efficiently. A small bell for attracting attention to their needs will help preserve their poor croaky voices.
Man Cold carries with it large doses of Self Pity. This leads the sufferer to call his mum approximately seventeen times a day and complain that the chicken soup his wife/girlfriend has been spoon feeding him for the past six days is just not the same as his mummy’s
I’ve mentioned various treatments for Man Cold, but if all else fails you can try this:
My poorly fella braved the miserable unrelenting world today. It’s busy season at his job and he had to go in to take care of business for a couple of hours. So not only are we having sex by appointment* but now we may also only get sick by appointment.
What about Woman Cold I hear you ask. Well, I Googled, Wikipedia’d and Yahoo’d. It seems that no one has heard of it.