Ocassionally, when the situation demands it, I can be serious. This is one of those times.
Last week we celebrated the Jewish New Year and tomorrow is Yom Kippur; the holiest day in the Jewish year. For 25 hours, starting this evening until tomorrow night, we will be fasting and focussing on forgiveness, introspection and prayers.
Tomorrow I will be standing before God in supplication asking him to not only forgive my sins, but completely disregard them, and I will be presenting to him a wish list … I am not very demanding though, all I want is this:
- First and foremost I would love to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.
- I wish to hear my 8 year old son call me Mummy, or indeed just say anything at all.
- I wish for my husband to be successful and happy in his job.
- I wish for my mother’s leg to be completely healed so she can walk properly again.
- I wish for my niece to get pregnant.
- I wish for my sister to be back to her full health.
- I wish to get to my goal weight (a bit contradictory to first wish, but still…)
- I wish that people are judged by their deeds and actions rather than arbitrary labels.
- Plus I wish for all my friends and family to have all their wish lists answered.
See … not demanding at all ….
And then I re-read my list and start wondering am I worthy? Do I even have the right to come, list in hand and ask for all my prayers to be answered. Do I deserve it? Have a been a good person all year? Can I look myself in the mirror and be proud of myself? If had a Dorian Grey type portrait in the attic, what would my true self look like?
At the end of most days, when I look myself in the mirror I can say with semi-confidence … “you’re okay” and on others I think to myself “you could have done better.”
So, tomorrow whilst I’m standing in supplication I won’t be coming with demands and expecting to be answered. I will be asking for my actions to be taken into account and be treated accordingly. For example:
- When my completely non-verbal son comes to me with his unintelligable babble, frustrated that I don’t understand him, I patiently take him by the hand and let him lead me to what it is he wants/needs. So too, if my prayers or promises seem meaningless, just take me by the hand and listen to what I need.
- When a friend said hurtful things to me and I just walked away, I ask that any hurtful things I may have done should be walked off and forgotten.
- When my husband forgot my birthday and I didn’t call him on it, please ignore all the things I should have done and didn’t.
- When I am lying with my legs in stirrups trying to do what comes naturally to so many millions of women and I accept, however grudgingly, that this is part of some grand plan, please accept my flaws as part of who I am.
I may not be perfect … I am not striving for perfection … I just want to be able to look myself in the mirror and be able to say “you did good.” And I would like to be able to cross all my wishes off my list, so that next year, when Yom Kippur rolls around again, the only words pouring from my lips will be “Thank You.”
So to all my readers out there, religious, not religious, whatever, I wish you all that whatever your goals and dreams are that they be fulfilled. I wish you all a year and a life of Health, Wealth and Happiness in whatever manifestation you desire.
P.S. This is the first post I have written without editing. I wanted it to be completely honest and true.