Emergency. Is there a Dr in the house? These women seem to be brain dead.

Emergency. Is there a Dr in the house? These women seem to be brain dead.

I have a little background in psychology, and by that I mean there was one page, in one chapter, in one module of my degree that mentioned Psychology, so obviously I am now a total expert in all matters of mind-fuckery. Well, at least I didn’t graduate from the Dr Flynn Academy for Quacks and Charlatans.

Now I know that most of Freud’s theories have been discredited, but come on, nothing in this book is credible at all, so what the hell.

So here goes my diagnosis.

Fifty Shades of Grey: A Case Study (for added fun read with an Austrian accent).

Before we begin looking at our patients, let’s start with Freud’s theories of Oral Fixation. You know, the notion that our sexual urges start from a young age – a theory E L James is in complete support of, you know with Ana’s fetus liking sex and all.

We know that Christian was hungry when he was four years old so his oral stage was stunted, and therefore all his fifty shades of fucked upness is totally not his fault, but it looks like Ana must have suffered orally too because she also seems to suffer from an oral fixation, maybe because her mommy didn’t give her a buttplug shaped pacifier to suck on.

And that's why she grew up to be Ana Steele

And that’s why she grew up to be Ana Steele

Oral fixation has two possible outcomes.

  • The Oral receptive personality is preoccupied with eating/drinking and reduces tension through oral activity such as eating, drinking, smoking, biting nails or lips. They are generally passive, needy and sensitive to rejection. They will easily ‘swallow’ other people’s ideas.

  • The Oral aggressive personality is hostile and verbally abusive to others, using mouth-based aggression.

(Source: http://changingminds.org/explanations/learning/freud_stage.htm)

I can’t imagine who this reminds me of!

 The Patient:

I’m sure I read somewhere, in the book or on another blog, that Christian likes hitting and fucking girls who look like his crack whore mother. Nothing Freudian about that; nope, not at all. He’s pissed off at his mother for being murdered by a pimp (how very inconsiderate of her!!), and now we discover he’s gone all Oedipus complex on her.

But let’s take this even further. Apparently, the delightful Mr Grey looks like the crack-whore who gave birth to him (his words not mine). So not only is he metaphorically fucking his own mother, but the narcissistic creep is actually having sex with himself. Or maybe someone just told him to go fuck himself and he took it literally.

And if Christian is sleeping with himself, wouldn’t he be self-flagellating. And why does he hate himself so much? Because he likes hitting girls. Don’t you just love it when life goes around in an endless circle of nothingness? Well, stop beating yourself up Christian. Seriously. Stop it.

Well, it saves me the job!

Well, it saves me the job!

 The Girlfriend:

Oh Ana, Ana, Ana. Where to begin. Well, Ana, obviously doesn’t have a brain or a spine. Wait! Is she even human? Does she have a psyche to analyse? Until I figure out that particular conundrum, I’ll start with those pesky voices in her head.

Ana’s inner goddess and her subconscious are what Freud would call the id and the superego;  the complete pleasure principle versus the overly moral self. Or, the metaphorical little devil and angel on her shoulder – heart versus head, or in this case the vagina versus the brain.

Ana's inner goddess. She has a better wardrobe than I do. Bitch!!

Ana’s inner goddess. She has a better wardrobe than I do. Bitch!!

The inner goddess is definitely the horny little devil, but for a little angel, the subconscious is kind of a bitch. Well, wouldn’t you be? Inner goddess is basically Ana’s vagina, and we all know that Ana’s supervag is all magic and stuff with sparkles and rainbows, whereas the subconscious is acting on behalf of Ana’s brain. No wonder she’s pissed all the time!

Ana's subconscious. The picture says it all really!

Ana’s subconscious. The picture says it all really!

Moving on to the brainless wonder. Can anyone say Daddy Issues? She consistently thinks of Ray at completely inappropriate moments, like when she’s in the car with Christian, “I’m catapulted back in time to when Ray was teaching me to drive. I don’t need another father. A husband maybe, a kinky husband. Hmmm!”  Okay, maybe this is just me, but those two sentences ought to be complete non-sequiters. They shouldn’t even be on the same continent, never mind in the same book, on the same page, in the same fucking paragraph.

Oh and she makes it very clear that Ray isn’t her biological father, he’s “the man I consider my dad.” Because that makes her sexual daddy references all okay. As far as I’m concerned it just dials up the creepometer by a factor of, well, fifty.

The Doctor:

Ana calls him an expensive charlatan, which is quite possibly the only clever thing she says in the entire million pages of garbage. But, dear sweet Ana, says it TO HIS FACE!! Oh honey, do you really think it is a good idea to piss of the one guy who has access to your psycho boyfriend’s mind?

Dr Flynn is no better though. How long has he been treating Christian? And he thinks that bidding on his crazy patient’s girlfriend is a good idea, why? Oh, yes, I know, let’s piss off the psycho sadist. But, don’t worry, it was a joke. Phew!! What a relief. Of course, Christian is renowned for his sense of humour. I’m sure every time he sets his mouth in a hard line he’s really laughing on the inside. Dr Flynn, I so see buttplugs somewhere in your future.

Time for a career change, Dr Flynn.

Time for a career change, Dr Flynn.

The Therapy:

Solution Focussed Based Therapy, or whatever crap E L James found on Wikipedia.

The aim is to get Christian where he envisages himself he wants to be. Er, paging Dr Flynn. Again I have to ask, how long have you known this patient? He’s already where he wants to be.

He’s a billionaire business mogul with is very own bodyguard, housekeeper and private jet. But most of all he has is very own sex dolly, who is so very lifelike. She’s always ready for action, she never says no and she’s completely flexible with not having a spine and all. He doesn’t even have to worry about blowing her up or accidentally puncturing her (although he’d probably enjoy that). The only thing he needs to worry about is letting the air escape from her head, because then there really would be nothing left.

Ana Steele, only with more life!

Ana Steele, only with more life!

And if he wants to turn her off all he has to do is pat her on the head and say, “go to sleep, Ana,” and the sweet little thing is finished for the day.

Much like this blog post.


5 responses »

  1. MissFourEyes says:

    Haha! Can I say brilliance?
    You should write your own book 50 Shades Explained: A Psychological Analysis of the fucked-upness that is Fifty Shades of Grey. You’d be a millionaire!

  2. Very amusing, enjoyed the angle of the humour – also loving the double entendre in the article title. I’m still reading the books to feed the fires of my parody 50 Shapes of Cakes on Twitter. If the books are good for something it’s getting people to read and allowing me to set a metaphorical humour shop!

  3. I LOVE this. Sorry it took so long to getting over here. LOVE LOVE like Sparkly Wand loves a “down there”, like Miss Four Eyes and Squirrel and Sad Pony love. I like it, in other words. I must reblog this at some point. Hilarious – and weirdly true. Isn’t it amazing how James manages to hit so many bizarre angles just by accident? Cause we know she doesn’t research. Unreal. Maybe she has one of those fixations too. Ew, just grossed myself out.

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