It's not all it's cracked up to be!

It’s not all it’s cracked up to be!

I’ve finally cracked. My insanity is now manifesting itself on to my belongings and Thursday morning my glasses became its latest victim. I had just come in from the freezing cold outdoors and my lenses began steaming up as the heat rose, or something. I don’t understand the science bit of why this happens, I just know it’s annoying.

I took them off to clear the steam and there on the left lens was a giant crack right across the centre. Putting my glasses back on caused me to see everything underlined. Suddenly all the dust and dirt in my house was glaring at me with a massive underscore. I’m just waiting for someone to turn on the bold feature and perhaps then I’ll feel guilted enough into actually doing some cleaning.

Now that's what I call bold dust.

Now that’s what I call bold dust.

With me being me, I obviously do not have a spare pair of glasses. Oh no, that would be the sane thing to do, and we’ve established that sanity has long given up the ghost in Storkland.

Of course, I live in Merry Old England and in this super efficient country one should never be inconsiderate enough to have any kind of emergency just before the weekend. Break your leg on a Friday and you will be stuck in hospital until Monday. True Story!! That actually happened to Offspring the First a few years ago. I spent the entire weekend with him, whining, annoyed, impatient and wanting to get the hell out – and that was just me. Did you know that your chances of dying in hospital increase by 10% if you are admitted at the weekend? Next time I get sick on a Friday I’ll take my chances and stay home.

And he's not even a patient.

And he’s not even a patient.

The opticians thought that I obviously had nothing else to do because I couldn’t see anyway and they decided that since my last sight test was over a year ago that I should have one prior to them fixing my glasses. Luckily, there were only few idiots like me around on Thursday, so they had time to make me read tiny letters straight away.

Have you ever had a sight test? It’s a fun experience. They sit you in a darkened room on a leather chair and then make you wear a contraption straight out of a science fiction movie as they keep interchanging lenses making your vision go from super sharp to blurry and then back again. It’s like a roller coaster for eyes. Barely have your eyes recovered from that 0-60 adventure, when the optician gets really close and whilst he makes you look at his tiny light, he gazes into your pupils. I swear I had more intimacy with the optician that I have ever had with Sparkly Wand.

Between this and Sparkly Wand, I feel like I've had an alien probing.

Between this and Sparkly Wand, I feel like I’ve had an alien probing.

The good news is I passed the test. No need to change my prescription at all. Oh, thank you for that. Can I please have my glasses fixed now? As it turns out, my trusty spectacles, which I have had for three years, were quite literally on their last legs. They had definitely seen (no pun intended) better days.

So by now I’ve been tested in oh so many ways, chosen new frames and have to decide between wearing my oversized prescription sunglasses on the year’s most cloudy day or the ancient pair of reactive to light glasses, which are not completely the correct prescription and hark back to the days when rimless glasses were fashionable. They’re so old that they’ve given up on life and now remain a permanent shade of dim. Kind of like some people I know!

This is my world now

This is my world now

Just for funsies, I chose option two and now have the pleasure of seeing a skewed shaded world until I get my new pair. The opticians were kind enough to put them down as urgent and will have my order expedited for Monday…. or Tuesday. Maybe Wednesday. Definitely some time this week. I’m still having my old pair fixed. One never knows when one will need a spare set. Probably never, now that I’ll have them.

So whilst I am definitely  not seeing the world through rose tinted spectacles, I’m not seeing the dust either. So I guess I’m seeing silver linings after all.

UPDATE: I now have my shiny new glasses, so I no longer have a distorted view of the world. Not a physical one anyway.

19 responses »

  1. MissFourEyes says:

    Poor you, I hate it when glasses break (even though everything is a lot more exciting underlined. Chair! Laptop! Underwear!). You can probably convince people that your dim rimless glasses are retro and very “in”. Or you could do what I do and spontaneously toss your head back, undo your hair and pull the glasses off in one swift motion like a sexy librarian. Nobody will notice the glasses after that 🙂

  2. Krafty Karen says:

    LOL really funny!!!!! I have just gone through the rigmarole of changing my glasses – who knew that adapting to bifocals was going to be such a pain – thankfully I only wear them in the evenings when crafting and watching tv at the same time. I never have a spare set either – they are so expensive and my prescription changes every three years anyway so I just always keep my last prescription on hand just in case!!

  3. My vision is apparently whack too. I saw four eyes and was like, oh a Miss Four Eyes post. And I’m reading along and go – hey, why is Miss Four Eyes in storkland. And then it occurs to me that there are storks all over the freaking background and wtf??? OH, I think I might be on storkhunter’s blog. Yay, that’s great too!

    Maybe I should get my eyes checked, but those machines mess me up. Which one is better, this one or this one, this one or this one, this one or . . . arghhhhh, I DON’T KNOW. I think I randomly pick them, so who knows if my prescription is right. Glad you got new glasses and can see better than I can. And as usual, you made me crack the hell up. Thanks!

    PS: I almost published “crap the hell up”. That’s one hell of a typo.

    • Storkhunter says:

      Firstly, with our recent nuptials, Four Eyes might be lurking in Storkland. But, if you can’t tell the difference between our blogs you should get your eyes checked.

      As to the questions the opticians ask. It’s just to make you crazy. They can actually tell your prescription by that little light they make you stare in to. Perhaps they want you to feel you’re getting value for money or something.

      Crap the hell up: Not so much a type as a Freudian Slip perhaps 🙂

  4. Carrie Rubin says:

    You have made me very grateful for my spare pair of specs. I can’t wear my contacts 24/7, and I’d be lost without my glasses. Literally.

    That’s horrible to hear about your child’s broken bone, by the way!

  5. ericjbaker says:

    I hate to laugh at your misfortune, but you leave me no other choice by reporting it with such humor (or humour, if you prefer). That eye-checking contraption seems rather steampunk for the 21st Century, by the way. Not a lot of innovation in the optician world, eh?

    Based on my visit here today, I think I may need to get my own eyes checked. I currently find my comment box being to the right of a graphic labeled “Team Vagina.” Now, I’m almost certain I’ve looked at a vagina before, and I don’t recall it appearing as a kitten in a box of pink yarn.

  6. You got your glasses back quickly! I thought I lost mine the other day, so got another pair. Found them though, so I have spares too 🙂 (As you said though, will never need them :p)

  7. japingape says:

    If you’re fond of intimate experiences maybe you should try contact lenses. I bet no optician ever licked your eyeballs.

    • Storkhunter says:

      I used to wear contacts. Gave up on ’em years ago. I prefer the sexy librarian look to the teary squinty one. Still no optician has ever licked my eyeballs. I feel like I’ve missed out.

  8. strawberryquicksand says:

    Did you hear about the man who went on a tour of the glasses factory? He fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. BOOM BOOM! lol. It sounds like the good ole UK is about as up to the minute as Australia – don’t let anything break on a Friday or you will be waiting until Monday to tell someone about it and at LEAST until Wednesday to get anything done about it. At least our hospitals work over weekends… lol

  9. lexiesnana says:

    I think I must need glasses I see babies flying around on a stork plane over here!

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